Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The Pious Rapture is Upon Us!

Know what really gets me down? Reading about fundamentalist nudniks who torment young people and try to force them to "straighten out". (Kudos to my sister for digging up an interesting news story!)

A 16-year old blogger named Zach from Tennesse was allegedly sent to "Love in Action", a group home/prison colony, by his sick, holy parents who are hoping to cure him of his "unhealthy" disease, ie. his homosexuality. Zach hasn't posted anything on his website since then. Small wonder: Internet use is prohibited. So is speaking, at least when you arrive at this cruel, bizarre Gitmo of a "rehabilitation program":

1. All new Refuge clients will be placed into Safekeeping for the initial two to three days of their program. A client on safekeeping may not communicate verbally, or by using hand gestures or eye contact, with any other clients, staff members, or his/her parents or guardians. In case of a practical need, Safekeeping clients may write down their question or request and show it to another client, staff member, or their parent or guardian. Writing may only be used when absolutely necessary. Parents and guardians must enforce their child's safekeeping status at home or in their temporary lodging.


Thou shalt Not Write:



10. Absolutely no journaling or keeping a diary outside of the MI process unless directed or approved by staff.




Even more alarming, this may have been plagiarized from George Orwell's 1984:



6. No television viewing, going to movies, or reading/watching/listening to secular media of any kind, anywhere within the client's and the parent's/guardian's control. This includes listening to classical or instrumental music that is not expressly Christian (Beethoven, Bach, etc. are not considered Christian). The only exception to the media policy is the weekly movie.

7. Refuge clients may watch one video/DVD per week that has been approved by staff via C.O.C. Movies submitted for approval must be rated G or PG. The parents/guardians are responsible for securing the video/DVD.


It won't be long before America becomes the Western equivalent of Saudi Arabia. I need a drink.

Secularism es muerto.
Secularisme est mort.
Secularism έχει πεθάνει.
Secularism has died.
Secularism is gestorven.
The rapture is upon us.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Don't Shoot The Messenger!


I can say with absolute veracity that I've discovered the best band that you've never heard of yet. They are a Mount-Vesuvius, rawk-spewing bunch of hooligans who may someday conquer Canada as a whole, and their name is Dead Messenger.

Performing live at Jupiter Room this past Sunday, they were tight as a lambskin and the whole room was grooving and bopping. Coming across like a funky, punkish hybrid of Primus and old-school punk, they defy convention and can't be easily categorized or pigeonholed.

Check out their song "Naked Chickens" (with their omni-talented bass player Seb on vocals). Another good one is "What's in a number?" but it sounds much better live for some reason.

Discovering a band like Dead Messenger makes me count my lucky stars. I am walking amongst giants in this dirty metropolis, the best city in North America.

Friday, June 17, 2005

JB Cover of Elliott Smith's "St-Ide's Heaven"

Please excuse the hiccups. This song is one of my favourites, although I do a butcher job of it in this recording! At least I think I got the lyrics right.

this is an audio post - click to play

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Censorship on C-Span

Wow! Rep. George Sensenbrenner (R-WI) is a real bastard.

Speech is only free as long as your microphone is still plugged in. Otherwise, how will the viewers at home realize that their rights are being disembowled? Oh, right. Republicans control the House, the Senate, the Whitehouse, and they're working on the Judiciary. Makes a lot of sense.

You can find a clip here (C-Span 2) of the bizarre event (scroll to near the end of the video for when Mr. Sensenbrenner cuts the mics and walks out like he owns the place.

The Dissonants @ Missy Bar - Monday, June 13th.



(From left to right: Armen, Phil, and Jeremy. Nikos can't be seen!)

Courtesy of Val Turbak. Thanks Val!

"Tale of my Teeth" by JB

This is a short story.
~~~
Philip's teeth began to speak to each other, or rather the pink roots inside the teeth began to speak, and not speak in the literal sense, but with flows of blood which contained messages that would be shared by the whole mouth. "Gentlemen, it is time to face the grave danger that our fathers spoke of so long ago" said the front left tooth, one of the biggest in Philip's mouth. Front left was rectangular and often appeared in conversations with other mouths. He was an a figurehead; the ambassador, if you will. "Before they pushed their way to the freedom, breaking the brutal enslavement inflicted by the primitive gums, our fathers were nothing but roots beneath the surface. They synthesized enamel and fought for our liberty. Now, they have all fallen out, but we shall not forget them, condemned to their watery graves."

"Get to the point", said the bottom small tooth, second from Philip's left front tooth. "You're taking all day to tell us what we've been thinking all along...The Prophecy was right. The Wise Teeth would one day appear."

"Settle down, bottom second-from-left. I was only delivering an impromptu lesson on our glorious fallen fathers, the roots of our past. I got a little off track, I admit. Let us..."

Just then, the pushing came again. Primordial pressure, like the constant lurch of time, pushed inside the mouth. From the back rear teeth and pushing forward, the force was immovable, and the teeth began to shriek in confusion. "God! The Pain!" said the rear teeth on top. The flesh around them was red and battered, like the inside of raw salmon, stretched taut as the skin of a drum. They were pushing so close together that the gums all around them looked as if they would bleed at any minute. The crisis was nigh.

"Please! Ignore it. Block it out! Let the pain roll away, and stand firm. Don't let the Wise Teeth push us further together! The integrity of the mouth DEPENDS on it," said the top left, dominating the situation as usual. The pointy left front tooth snickered. "This guy makes everything sound like a Winston Churchill speech or something..." he commented. A laugh erupted through the whole mouth, with hundreds of messages floating through the veins happily.

"I propose a solution", said the usually silent front right tooth, the insider, who always hid behind the front left. He was a mysterious character with a mystical reputation. Many considered him the shaman of the mouth. "It is a hard one, but the only way that the Wise Teeth will settle with us peacefully. We have to push one of our own out."

A gasp pulsed all throughout the mouth. Even the enamel seemed to shake. Push someone out? That would mean death of the root and considerable pain for the enamel, which would probably float downstream to the ocean with common rock trash and seashells. Gone it would be from its rightful place within Philip's mouth, a position inherited since birth, after its father root had broken a hole to the surface and given him a place to exit the fleshy womb of the gums.

Second from-the-left-bottom-tooth voiced his disapproval with Top Right Front's radical idea. "It means elimination of the remaining symmetry of the mouth. When this mouth started, it was with the intentions of making a perfect half-moon shape, with equal space for each tooth and comfort for everyone, including the cheeks and gums. Granted, the way we were unable to control the growth of our enamel was unexpected. I wish that our fathers had left us a clue on how to ensure each tooth grew to the same size, but anyhow...we're in this mess. I think we have to find a way out of it, without causing one of our own to fall clear out!"

Many of the teeth agreed with his statement, but nearly all of them were scared to admit it. Most didn't want to stand out from the group. They were embarassed that the front bottom and top teeth couldn't agree on anything. Some of the back teeth actually believed that the front teeth had made themselves crooked on purpose, just to give themselves distinct appearances to attract attention and denote importance in Philip's mouth. Of course, they never revealed this to the front teeth, and spoke in code, because they feared the front teeth, who generally were far more outgoing.

Middle-Front-Right tooth laughed at the leftist little bottom tooth. "Your ideas are pink and fleshy. I am telling you...the only way the wisdom teeth will stop pushing is if we make room for them in this mouth. They need their own place to come out."

"Traitor! Traitor! Conspirator!" shouted the top right tooth, a large corner tooth that used to be pointy like the top left, but had been humbled by a bicycle accident when Philip was 8. Philip had fallen off his bicycle and had chipped off the tip of Top Right Corner-tooth. Since the accident, he had never been the same. He now rarely celebrated or admonished the other teeth's exploits. Until this moment, he had been mostly a recluse, perhaps only a shade more outgoing than Top Right Middle. "You are crazy to even think about letting the Wise Teeth out. They're pushing the back teeth as we speak. You know how the prophecy goes. They shall cause massive upheaval, pushing their way until we all crush into each other and our enamel shatters into dust. Our roots will dry up and Philip's mouth will be empty."

"Except for me", said the tongue. The rest of the mouth ignored him.

"I am no more a conspirator than you, Top-Right-Corner. After all, it wasn't my enamel that happened to come within contact with common pavement. I bet you enjoyed being chipped by that sidewalk. You probably got an illicit thrill."

"LIAR!" shouted Top Right Corner tooth angrily, losing his composure quickly. This isn't at all uncommon for corner teeth, who carry the enormous responsibility of guarding the integrity of the inner teeth and blocking the entry of would-be intruders, such as baseball bats and red brick walls. The corner teeth, although brave, were also in great danger every day. That may be why they are such patriots, willing to sacrifice themselves for the inner teeth that depend on them. For this reason, the other teeth remained silent during the exchange between Top Right Corner and Middle-Front Right.

Second-from-the-right-top spoke up. "What if we had another way around this problem?"

"What do you mean? There is no way to reason with madroots like the Wise Teeth. They have but one perogative, and that is to extinguish all teeth within the mouth except themselves," said the Top Left Middle.

"No, you misunderstand my plan. What if we were to all succomb to pain, give up our resistance, and stop pushing back when the Wise Teeth push us? Perhaps the pain would be so great that Philip would notice our plight and find a God to get them removed, instead of us."

Second-from-the-right-top was one of the most unpopular teeth. He was believed to be vain, and his enamel had a curve which was visible to other mouths. He could be said to be somewhat of a glory hog, although this idea was probably the best one yet.

"What if he doesn't do anything about it? We don't know how long he'll stay at the job where he is now..." said Top Left Middle. "Who knows when his 80% coverage of Gods runs out? And we know that removing the Wise Teeth would be a costly proposition. One thing is for certain-- Philip would never finance the operation from his own pocket. He would never pay that kind of fee himself. Our hope is doomed!"

"It doesn't mean that we shouldn't try," said Second-From-The-Right-Top, obviously enjoying the attention. His words began to resonate among the other teeth. "Our rootfathers once gave us freedom, and now we shall fight to maintain that freedom. I am not asking us to surrender...I'm asking us to believe. To believe in whom? Philip, the keeper of the mouth, slave of the Gods. It is to Philip that we owe our creation, but our Gods preserve us. With their green lab coats and those hygenic masks over their faces, they repair us when we are damaged, and they clean us when we are troubled and covered in plaque. And they shall save us, because Philip shall fill out the insurance form and go and get that operation done. The Wise Teeth will be removed. This smile will remain intact."

The other teeth applauded this statement by varying their blood flows to one another gradually. One of the wealthy, arterial back teeth put in an order for some adrenaline and a whole bunch of endorphins. A celebration was at hand! The teeth rejoiced, renewed by their new plan, and confident that they would remain free and intact, however crooked, until the Gods decide to remove them, or until Philip gets hit by that bus when he reaches 85.

~Jeremy Brendan, ©2000, All Rights Reserved.
Comments?

Strange Days Have Fallen

Proof that the impending weird has descended upon what we know as reality:


  • Warthog accident:
  • My Ottawain/Arizonan journalist friend Kenneth Hedges swerved to avoid a warthog on the highway and totalled his car. He wasn't injured but I believe that the police had to contact the warthog's family to tell them the tragic news.
  • Constant Rain Thwarts Busking:
  • Bereft of a bus pass, I had planned to busk each day this week to raise enough money to buy a week's worth of public transportation. Instead, Montreal's first monsoon season has struck and I've been chilling indoors waiting for it to subside.
  • Dissonants Shows=Buttah!:
  • My band the Dissonants pulled off three shows without any major hiccups or other crises. Excellent crowd response, decent attendance, and ebulliant, gorgeous model-type friends cheering us on in the crowd. Couldn't ask for more, yet it boggles the mind just the same. (We're playing Missy Bar again on the 30th of July but I have to call the owner to confirm!)
  • MJ Escapes:
  • After the testimony of Jay Leno and Chris Tucker, a jury of Michael Jackson's peers allowed him to dart off to the little boy's room unmolested. Jesus juice? Macaulay Culkin? I am not one to believe in the apocalypse, but now might be the right time to join an Evangelical militia movement somewhere in Utah.
  • Odd Horoscopes:
  • Yesterday my horoscope said that I would get a job, or I would create something of artistic merit. I had a job interview at Discount Rent-A-Car and the interviewer seemed to dig my bohemian hippy-haired style and my lack of polish. He told me to expect a call within the next two days (I have to send him my references first, which could potentially nix my chances...even so...)
  • Relative Contentment on my part:
  • I am unemployed, bling-less, somewhat healthy, and I have to go to court for tax evasion. Even so, I am in good spirits and feel like everything is going to work out. This is the clincher that I think proves--in my sphere of existence anyhow--that strange days have fallen.


Anything bizarre happen to you lately? Please share it with us & perhaps we can find some commonalities or linkages between these disparate events.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Dissonants to Play in Montreal Infringement Festival

Montreal's finest anti-punk band the Dissonants will be playing three shows this week as part of the Infringement Festival.

(PRWEB) June 10, 2005 -- Montreal's rag-tag squad of anti-punk rockers, the Dissonants, will be playing three shows in three nights this Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.

The three show mini-tour is part of the 2005 Montreal Infringement Festival. The Dissonants will appear at the following venues:
w/ Launie Anderssohn @ Toc Toc on Saturday, June 11th. ($5)
w/ Fall to Rise and Mistaken Heroes @ Quai des Brumes on Sunday, June 12th. ($5)
w/ One Away and Mistaken Heros @ Missy Bar on Monday, June 13th. ($5)

Singer/rhythm guitarist Philip Shearing has promised that his band will go beyond the call of duty. "Armen (lead guitarist) is talking about filling one of the three bars with whipped cream as we pound our instruments into a maelstrom of furious punkish rock. And Armen never lies. Ever."

Shearing also went on to make a solemn vow. "If you aren't happy with any of our sets, feel free to beat us with Nerf bats or throw rolled up twenty dollar bills at our heads. We dare you."

The Dissonants are also inviting fans and attendees of the shows to bring canned goods which will be donated to the St-Vincent de Paul Society.

For more information, please call Jeremy Brendan @ 514-242-9840 or email him @ jeremybrendan@gmail.com.

# # #

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

"Tired and Poor, Come on Down!"

Imagine my surprise when my friendly, United-Nations loving web browser Opera displayed a banner that proclaimed "Win the green card lottery. Become A Citizen of the United States!" This is very alarming.

Admittedly, when it comes to gambling, I'm not exactly a craps dealer, but I'm not cloistered in the Vatican either. I have never bought a Super 7 or a Lotto 6/49 ticket although I used to play bingo with my mother in the school cafeteria. But gambling for your citizenship? Have we resorted to building a New Vegas for the refugees?

'Give me your tired and your poor, let me write their names on little scraps of paper, let's spin this barrel for awhile, and then fifty thousand lucky little foreigners will gain access to our land, for better or for worse.'

I can picture the game show, airing on Fox of course, right after America's Most Gruesome Wedding Accidents (7 PM EST). (I'm painting with broad strokes here so please don't expect any sublime, nuanced satire here. This is just me tossing pebbles across a sandbox.)

-----------------------------------------------------------

"Hosni al-Mughrabi, come on down! You are the next contestant on "America's Right", the show where we remind you that our way of life is far superior."

Hosni runs down the aisle waving his arms and smiling. He is covered from head to toe in his native garb and he has tears in his eyes.

"So, Hosni, where do you hail from?" asks the bureaucrat with the perfectly coiffed Elvis hairdo, about to write him a ballot for the 2003 Green Card draw.(TM)

Hosni begins to say "Ir..." as two Homeland Security stiffs run up, handcuff him, and drag him into a room for questioning. The screen goes blank and then begins to show a little American flag waving proudly to the strains of Bruce Springsteen's 'The Rising', until the stiffs realize that he's from Iran, not Iraq, although they secretly believe that both of those countries are breeding grounds for terrorists. Hosni is shuffled back to his place in front of the Jeopardyesque stage. There are cameras fixed on him but he's not sure if anyone is watching this.

Little does he know that he is one of the pawns in the largest ratings sweep in history, by none other than C-Span (in association with Fox).

The bureaucrat smiles without showing his teeth and says "Welcome back to Green Card Lotto, where everyone with a high school diploma or two years of work experience has a chance to plug one of the 50 thousand slots that we offer to overseas folks. Our newest contestant, Honsey...it sounds more like a good honest Christian name... What did you say your last name was? Mudravy? Sounds about right -- Honsey is going to tell us a little bit about where he is from."

"My name is Hosni..." says our contestant, his eyes lowered and his voice calm and restrained.

"Whatever, Ayatollah. Anyhow, did you see the commotion going on across the border from your slum village? Are ya feeling a little worried that our fearless leader might send some cowboys to pay you Erans a visit?" asks the bureaucrat, ending his sentence on a high note as he looks at the cameras for support.

"I want to come to America to study."

"No pilot school, though, right?"

"What?" Hosni seems slightly confused.

"Never mind. Which pillar did you plan on studying, boy? I hear that daily prayer is a doozy."

"I want to become an economist. And another thing...maybe I want to move to America, but I want to keep a little bit of Iran right here, you know? My country has it's problems but we were once a strong and powerful nation. We were inventing mathematics and achieving great conquests while your country was nothing but forests and plains. You must give us the respect that we are due. We are a humble people but we don't all live in mud huts. Even if we did, your country has people sleeping in the snow without shoes on."

"Only because here in America, we have too many poor people. If only we could make a reverse lottery and send the whole lot of them to live in your country...that would be something, wouldn't it?"

"There are poor people everywhere," said Hosni, scratching above his eye and looking very disappointed in the "American Way".

"Honsey, if you want to be an American, there are a few simple rules you just gotta follow. First of all, always keep your freedom, and when I say freedom, I mean freedom of speech, freedom to bear arms, freedom to be watched by our own government... simple-God fearing freedoms like that. I know that you're not used to that, I mean with the hands being chopped off and all, but you're going to have to learn that in this war on terrorism, you're either with us or against us."

"What about neutral countries?"

"You mean like Switzerland? Oh, who can trust those chocolate-loving Alps hikers? Who cares about "Old Europe" anyway? Let them reenact the French-Indian War for all I care."

The bureaucrat claps his hands together and two attendants, both clad in Nike jogging suits, dart up to Hosni. One removes his traditional headdress as the other replaces it with a red, white, and blue tophat, with a neon rendering of the American Flag flashing up the stovepipe. The bureaucrat throws Hosni's ballot into an emerald-encrusted barrel and gives it a spin. Commerical break.

Hosni removes the tophat, grabs his headdress, and runs out the door. He cabs it to the Canadian embassy and is surprised by the quaint little building with the single armed guard in front. He wonders if there is a "Canadian Way".

-----------------------------------------------

Canada accepts about 225,000 refugees and immigrants per year. Everyone is welcome, whether you are the gambling type or not. All that we ask is that you learn French if possible, and that you don't expect to carry around a handgun. And watch hockey, as soon as the NHL gets back on the ice. Or just fill out a ballot and maybe America will accept you with open arms (provided you have your grade 12!)

Does the Green Card Lotto make sense to you? Share your thoughts with us.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

I'm Going to Be Rich!

Opportunity knocks in the strangest of places. I just got this email and I am very confident that I'll be blinging in no time. If any of you are interested in joining in on this venture, let me know and I'll forward you this gentleman's contact information.
~~~
"URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL
SIR,
FIRST,I MUST SOLICIT YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION AND
I PRAY MY DECISION TO CONTACT YOU WILL BE GIVEN A GENUINE APPROVAL CONSIDERING
THE FACT THAT WE HAVE NOT KNOWN EACH OTHER BEFORE.

I AM PRINCE MENSAH OPOKU,A GHANAIAN AND THE FIRST SON OF THE SECOND WIFE
OF LATE KING NANA OPOKU ,HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS OF THE ASHANTI KINGDOM
OF THE REPUBLIC OF GHANA. OUR TRADITION PROHIBITS THE CHILDREN OF THE SECOUND WIFE TO INHERIT THE ESTATE OF THEIR FATHER,BASED ON THIS FACT,MY FATHER BEFORE HIS DEATH
, DEPOSITED A LARGE AMOUNT OF GOLD,WHICH USED TO BE PART OF THE HOMAGE
PAID TO HIM BY THE MINING COMPANIES OPERATING IN HIS TRADITIONAL LANDS,WITH
A BANK THROUGH A SECURITY COMPANY, AS AN INSURANCE FOR MY FUTURE.
PRESENTLY,MY PARENTS ARE DEAD AND I AM STILL IN SCHOOL WHICH I DECIDED
TO CONTACT YOU IMMEDIATELY TO HELP ME CARRY OUT THIS TREASURE THAT IS
LYING IN THE VAULT OF THE BANK TO YOUR COUNTRY, UNDER YOUR CARE AND SUPERVISSION
FOR
FURTHER INVESTMENT PURPOSES,AFTER AN ONWARD SALE.
SIR,THEREFORE,ALL THAT IS NEEDED OF YOU IS JUST YOUR COOPERATION,HONESTY,AND
WILLINGNESS TO COME DOWN TO GHANA WHEREFORE,WE SHALL ALL GO TO THE BANK
TO CLAIM THIS TREASURE THAT HAS ACCUMULATED SOME DEMURRAGE CHARGES.EVERY
LEGAL DOCUMENTS COVERING THE SAFE KEEPING OF THIS GOLD SHALL BE SENT
TO YOU ON REQUEST.
SIR,I HOPE YOU TREAT THIS MESSAGE WITH THE HIGHEST URGENCY IT DESERVE
AND CONSIDER IT FAVORABLY,AFTER WHICH I WILL BE WELL PLEASE, TO FURNISH
YOU WITH ANY ADDITIONAL INFORMATION YOU MAY REQUIRE FROM ME.
PLEASE,ENDEAVOR TO INCLUDE YOUR PRIVATE FAX AND PHONE NUMBERS WHEN REPLYING,
TO ENABLE ME REACH YOU FASTER.YOU CAN ALSO CONTACT ME WITH THIS E-MAIL ADDRESS OR CALL ME ON THIS PHONE LINE....
LOOKING FORWARD TO ESTABLISHING A PROSPEROUS BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH
YOU AT LARGE.
I ANTICIPATE YOUR MAXIMUM UNDERSTANDING AND COOPERATION.
THANKS,

REGARDS,

PRINCE MENSAH OPOKU."